I used to be someone, someone - me. My existence was for my self for HIM, and for a few who understands me. I had this inability to let people in; I didn't let just anyone get in for I was scared of life - for how it might push me; for what I could and couldn't offer life - for what life might brought me - for what it could make me - because what was underneath my surface was a child - shy, needy and fragile. But no matter how I hid from life, no matter how I took cover; it found me. Ah! Life found me. I tried to resist but I gave in. So I tried to define life - tried to believe and live not to take life too seriously - for a moment though. I had this chance, out of courage, bravery and love, to let someone in - let down my defenses for the first time. I guess I tried to believe in life that somehow for more than six billion faces on the planet he would be someone or I guess one who would accept me and dig deep within me and see a better part of me that only a few could see. I tried to believe in that someone, that he would see me how I see him; he would care for me how i did for him; stick and grow and most, most, I tried to believe that he would love me how I loved him. I guess, that was one of my biggest disappointments in life. I guess I should have sent a notice before I let my defenses down - to take care of me, or maybe to take very good care of my heart for it was fragile - for that I failed. Disappointment and failure to the eyes of the person I love when I wanted to love me back. The light started to fade.. There was a moment I found myself in a crossroad, as if I was destined to be there - afraid, confused, lost and alone. I was off the course. I just wanted that someone to be there even if i did not ask him to or to stay at that moment or to fight for me because I was weak and to be there and to be just there for me ; not because no one else would but because he wanted to be there. And the biggest disappointment in life came crashing. I guess the choice we make define us, define the days of our lives and some choices will haunt us all the days of our lives. Somehow, I am wishing to take it all back - just take it all back. But life got me in my darkest - alone. Life came crashing from light to darkness - regrets, bitterness, fear and depression. My eyes got blinded, I became suffocated, my body, ah my body deteriorated. My heart died. Somehow I am waiting for a comet to strike and burn my hopes in life that has turned cold. And to see the best days of life happened. I am wishing a time comes that someone will find me and save me and will make me feel that everything's going to be alright even if I were on the other side. I'm waiting for the comet to strike and will make me see what life has to offer me.
A few knows that writing and music have always been my escape - for what my mouth cannot speak, what my heart aches, my stomach craves, for what my soul starves, and from what my mind refuses to see. What is on the surface is not the most consequential part of life. At the end of the day you'll see that the most important are not the possessions but the person that you have become, the lives you have touched and most is to come home to someone who treats you with unconditional love - for it washes pain, sorrow, bitterness and regrets.
Who said that pain isn't part of life, but you wouldn't taste pleasure without pain and love without hate. And who's going to hold you and catch you and be with you when light turns to darkness?
Lucky are those who found one - who love them unconditionally, for it happens once in a lifetime.
As for me, I am waiting for a comet to strike!
For some I am evil. But for those who learned how to dig deep within me I am a definition of something what they call kindness. For others my insensitivity kills them but for a few whom I learned to trust and found solemnity and comfort, I am the most sensitive person they knew. For most, I am selfish and stubborn but for a few they see my generosity and my heart with greatness.
Ah! for me.. time will come that I shall fly... well, I guess I have to die to live again...
